welcome to a new me.

http://klutzy.blogspot.com

dont really care who reads this cos i’m not bothered anymore..

..tnx to noel.

this is my last post.

maybe i’ll move somewhere else to blog, maybe i wont.

too many unknown people are reading my blog, and their comments drift to me somehow. singapore really IS a small country. i guess i should thank her for that line, and even though his business has got nothing to do with me, i think she should decide whether or not she’s on his side, and stay there. but, it’s up to her. i wish you two all the best.

with 2007 over, i feel that i should let some things go as well. i’ll no longer drift along. i know what i want and i’ll go for it. you should too. no more indecisiveness, no more fear.

thank you all for reading this stupid blog which is full of dumb posts; for being interested in a boring life such as mine. if in the event i do decide to set up a new blog, i’ll let some of you know.

*winks*

it was fun while it lasted.

goodbye all.

i leave you with my favourite pic from america.

(it’s of me and that stolen christmas edition mint krispy kreme. sorry jon, i ate it.)

Happy new year.

love,

dine

with 8 more days to go to LA, lil ol’ me is getting very restless. only 4 more days of work. getting super slack at work already, keep talking rubbish with people around me. sigh, the holiday mood is here.

feeling down for a very long time. today, it was slightly better. i finally did something that i had to do and something i wanted to do. it’s not the outcome i wanted, but surprisingly, i’m feeling quite ok.

i never realised how powerful the word "sorry" is. to ask for forgiveness, to redeem yourself, to drop your regrets, to set yourself free. i hope this is the start. i hope that being away from this place will help me refresh my body and soul. i feel so tired. i need a real good holiday.

speaking of which, me and a couple of colleagues are planning for a taiwan trip next june. cool huh. finally, taipei. i really hope next year’ll be a better year. this year seems really sucky for many people i know. next year, let’s have faith and hope. next year will be better.

been meeting up with friends i havent met for quite a while. once people hear i’m leaving for US, they wanna meet. like hello!!! i’m only gonna be gone a month. too damn short a time if you ask me. met my childhood friend germain to celebrate her bday in advance. supposed to meet up with my sec sch buddy and some of my CK colleagues and Da gang next week.

went to watch "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" last night with mel and dot. it was awesome. the effects, the energy, the presence. really made me miss literature and the theatre. omg. i feel like re-reading shakespeare. it was my dream to study theatre in UK, in another life perhaps.

ever wondered how we’d turn out if we could be whoever we wanna be, do whatever we want, be in control of our life. control, that was the word he used. the feeling’s like a kid, having infinite resources to redecorate his whole room. choose the colour, the kind of furniture, the theme. what would my life’s theme be? if i could choose, i wanna live in the 70s. boogie woogie. i’m serious. i just love the old days. simple, fun, carefree. of course i’m conveniently forgetting the lack of standard in the sanitary system. eurgh.

sometimes i just sit on my bed and stare into the darkness, and think of everything and nothing at the same time. you know, when you have flashbacks of the past, too much, too fast you get lost in it and you just get a blank. i think that’s when i’m the happiest. when i’m lost in nothingness. how sad is that.

sometimes i think, what is life? what is the real purpose of us being here, i mean you look at the universe, it’s a vast space. we are just specks, fragments of specks in fact. why do we make ourselves out to be so important? what are our troubles when we look at the really REALLY big picture? what is the point of our existence? at times i feel so small, and it’s nice. nice to know that all i’m going through is so insignificant. makes it easier to swallow.  other times, i feel like laughing at how pompous humans are. all self important and self absorbed. we are an ugly species.

well, this post was a total piece of rubbish, just feel like i have alot on my mind and my head’s bursting. and here’s my only outlet, so… those who actually read this post, congrats! you’ve officially been labelled super bored.

*YAWNS*

today, i told him to let go.

it was my burden to carry, my sadness in this world. but because i was selfish, wasnt strong enough, i dragged him down with me. no matter what i say now it will not change how much i hurt him. no matter how many times i say im sorry he will not feel better. nothing i say can erase what i’ve done. im not surprised by the things he said. i dont feel angry that he called me a liar. but i am sad that he said he hates me.

is this how you felt when you walked away from me? so guilty, so torn up inside. hoping i’ll be ok, yet not knowing what to say. wishing things will be better, yet knowing you cant stay. was that why you had tears in your eyes the day i told you i couldnt take it anymore? how i wish i could hear what you were thinking. i left cos i dont wanna hold him back any longer. you left cos you didnt want me to hold you back.

i feel like such a bitch. he has every right to hate me.

Now I know,
That I can’t make you stay.
But where’s your heart?
But where’s your heart?
But where’s your,

And I know.
There’s nothing I can say.
To change that part.
To change that part.
To change.

So many,
Bright lights they cast a shadow,
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding,
I’m incomplete?
A life that’s so demanding,
I get so weak.
A love that’s so demanding,
I can’t speak.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

Can you see?
My eyes are shining bright,
‘Cause I’m out here, on the other side,
Of a jet black hotel mirror,
And I’m so weak.
Is it hard understanding?
I’m incomplete.
A love that’s so demanding,
I get weak.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

These bright lights have always blinded me.
These bright lights have always blinded me.

I say.

I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I’d never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.
Asleep, or dead.

‘Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I’d never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.
Asleep, or dead.

‘Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I’d never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.
Asleep, or dead.

‘Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I’d never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.

Asleep, or dead…

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

"once upon a time, there was a guy, a very devout christian who prayed to God everyday. (i forgot his name.) without fail, he would pray to God and ask God for the same thing every single day, until he died. When he met God, he asked Him why his wish was never granted even though he prayed to Him everyday and was a devout christian. God answered…."Because you didn’t buy the lottery ticket!" the end. "

apparantly the moral of the story, according to the person who told me this, is that if you want God to help you, first you got to help yourself. What a strange way of telling someone to get off your arse and do something. hmmm.

i hate the way my mind wanders and goes back to you, and then to you.

wish i could skip the detour.

ok, i have decided that i’m gonna write what i like about my last relationship so much that i’m unable to get over it. the purpose is to read it and find it so ridiculously shallow or stupid that i’ll, u know, feel shallow and stupid and, ya, get over it.

alrighty, since christmas is coming, lemme talk about our first christmas together. hmm. cant remember much. i know it was quite soon after i got out of the hospital, so i was like skinny then (woo hoo!) and i was wearing this gorgeous top that mel absolutely adored. come to think of it, i wore the same damn thing for his last birthday as well. sorry i digress.

ok, i had to work on christmas eve, so he came to pick me up in that cute baby merc that i love love love. things kinda went downhill after they got e stupid BMW, which is why i totally hate BMs. he got me a biiiiiig box of little presents, (sighhh, my dream come true..) which i knew was in the back of the car but he wouldnt let me see what’s inside til we got to my house. i remembered i got him this diner "juke box" thingy that plays really retro songs and christmas carols. it had little people dancing on the black and white checkered floor, a juke box at the side. it looked like the diner that archie and the gang love to go. that’s one thing i love about him. we love old stuff. we go crazy at flea markets and old shops. i loved that thingy i got for him. we used to dance to the songs at his house when no one was around. everything was so nice and warm… and happy.

we spent christmas eve with mel, louis, dot and chris at coca having steamboat. then we just hung out in the car at this spot near the air strips, u know where you can watch the planes take off. yup, there. with the 70s songs playing the background, us just being with each other in our little world. that felt really good. and that’s how we waited for christmas to come. no rowdy countdowns or crowded parties. just me and him together, enjoying the company.

omg. where’s the shallow and stupid???!!! i’m supposed to find everything a waste of time or something! apart from the fact that i’m missing out on alot of cool and fun christmassy stuff, it all just sounds really nice. dammit. i’m feeling depressed all over again.

fuuk.

10 Things I Hate about Myself and just well, Hate in general:

1. definitely my lack of brains.

2. lack of money.

3. lack of beauty.

4. lack of a drop dead gorgeous partner who is half sex slave, half homework buddy aka someone who does ALL my assignments for me.

5. lack of all the pretty things in the world.

6. lack of a shoe room filled with at least a hundred billion gazillion pairs of shoes that fit, look great and are comfy.

7. lack of my lexus RX300 in either dark green or black.

8. lack of my orchard penthouse which would be furnished with everything from Muji.

9. lack of holidays. ie. trips to Taiwan, Japan, Spain, Venice, Australia, blah blah blah.

10. lastly, my very obvious lack of a life.

why else would i be writing something like this???

ugh.

regret.

disappointment.

anger.

helplessness.

loss.

fear.

sorrow.

emptiness.

now, everything’s just a blur…

…numbness.